5/28/09 09:29 pm
And I do love my father. Though it's a struggle at times. Though we don't connect so much.
Sigh....I'm worrying too much today, huh? I worry also about a friend, a new friend who's becoming estranged all of a sudden. Sometimes, even when I set aside these things I become easily provoked. Why do I worry anyway? When I know He is in control. That I'm forgiven.
Sometimes the thought that my SO's fighting shy of me because he needs space, creeps at me like an evil spider but I just hold on to what he said the last time we were together. He's just laying low, and I should do the same, for our sake. But it doesn't mean he doesn't love me. It may not also mean that we need to part. It may be that he cares so much that he'd rather wait than unintentionally alter things with me, with God. And he may be just waiting for the time we next see each other. He told me his love language is quality time. He loves being with me. But it's not quality time for him to talk on the phone because sitting at the stares is uncomfortable, not having enough privacy also isn't comfortable. Not that we talk of the wrong things, but you know how sometimes, you JUST need alone time together.
My brother just fed me a half-covered lychee from his own hand. How touching. I'm glad he trusts me that even though I get angry at him (I had just gotten mad at him by the way, before he came in and fed me.) I'd mellow too and still love him, even though we never talk about love and stuff like that. And I'm glad to see God really working in him. And me. When I get mad, there's no bitterness. There isn't much rage, my anger is controlled by underlying convictions that I'm not on a fight against my loved ones, but the unseen influences, sometimes even those that are towards me, working inside me.
You know what, early last night, when I got home, my head was kinda throbbing and I felt so dizzy, I slept. When I woke up, I asked my kuya, who was then at the computer (as usual) if he could wash the dishes. There were just few anyway. He said something like "URhghwa..." I don't remember. But sometime later I felt like washing them, so I did. While washing, rain suddenly poured. Then he asked me if there were clothes hanging outside. I was like, What! Do i have to do everything? Why don't you get your butt out of that chair and start looking!!! So I dropped the washing and boisterously checked through our rooms' windows, no clothes. He also looked. I was just so freakishly mad because he was always so engrossed in whatever he was doing. I thought of him as careless, thoughtless, and selfish. The moment I realized I was judging him, I stopped, though I was still angry. I pitifully said sorry to God, in my anger. I prayed in my head, asking him for help. Actually I can't remember anymore of what I prayed for.
Then suddenly, my brother went behind me and said, "Ako na niyan, punasan mo na lang yung table." (Leave the dishes to me, just go wipe the table.) I kept washing (feeling guilty? hehehe) until he said it again. So I moved away, suddenly realizing that the Lord heard me, and checked the dirty kitchen... I was ecstatic right after. My brother and I were talking while he washed. No longer complete strangers. No longer sworn enemies. No more target shooting for me. No more painful words for him.
It's just amazing, isn't it? I've been praying for my brother for the longest time. When I see these changes, I just marvel at God. I feel one whole set of different emotions. I am moved and I can't hold in either the smiles, the tears, sometimes both. God's just so amazing. And I know that if I had remained self-centered, or preoccupied with so many things, I wouldn't have been able to see these changes. Thank you for the new eyes, Lord. You are good. So, so, immeasurably, undeniably, ineffably, GOOD!
Lalala love love loooooove.... :)
Migs hasn't talked to me all day, but guess what! I'M NOT MAD YEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYY!!!!!!!! Just wondering, you know. Just missing him. But may God's grace be upon me, to accept, to love, to let others be themselves, and to help them grow, and to wait on God, as it can be so testing and a struggle... in Jesus' name. Amen. :)
PS: My friend and I are okay. :)