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5/28/09 09:29 pm

It's my father's birthday tomorrow, May 29. And I worry I have no gift to give. I worry because I don't feel like giving him a gift and there might be something wrong. My mother might think that the reason I went into the elaborate trouble for her on Mothers' Day was that... um... I can't say. I just worry about that. They might misjudge it.

And I do love my father. Though it's a struggle at times. Though we don't connect so much.

Sigh....I'm worrying too much today, huh? I worry also about a friend, a new friend who's becoming estranged all of a sudden. Sometimes, even when I set aside these things I become easily provoked. Why do I worry anyway? When I know He is in control. That I'm forgiven.

Sometimes the thought that my SO's fighting shy of me because he needs space, creeps at me like an evil spider but I just hold on to what he said the last time we were together. He's just laying low, and I should do the same, for our sake. But it doesn't mean he doesn't love me. It may not also mean that we need to part. It may be that he cares so much that he'd rather wait than unintentionally alter things with me, with God. And he may be just waiting for the time we next see each other. He told me his love language is quality time. He loves being with me. But it's not quality time for him to talk on the phone because sitting at the stares is uncomfortable, not having enough privacy also isn't comfortable. Not that we talk of the wrong things, but you know how sometimes, you JUST need alone time together.

My brother just fed me a half-covered lychee from his own hand. How touching. I'm glad he trusts me that even though I get angry at him (I had just gotten mad at him by the way, before he came in and fed me.) I'd mellow too and still love him, even though we never talk about love and stuff like that. And I'm glad to see God really working in him. And me. When I get mad, there's no bitterness. There isn't much rage, my anger is controlled by underlying convictions that I'm not on a fight against my loved ones, but the unseen influences, sometimes even those that are towards me, working inside me.

You know what, early last night, when I got home, my head was kinda throbbing and I felt so dizzy, I slept. When I woke up, I asked my kuya, who was then at the computer (as usual) if he could wash the dishes. There were just few anyway. He said something like "URhghwa..." I don't remember. But sometime later I felt like washing them, so I did. While washing, rain suddenly poured. Then he asked me if there were clothes hanging outside. I was like, What! Do i have to do everything? Why don't you get your butt out of that chair and start looking!!! So I dropped the washing and boisterously checked through our rooms' windows, no clothes. He also looked. I was just so freakishly mad because he was always so engrossed in whatever he was doing. I thought of him as careless, thoughtless, and selfish. The moment I realized I was judging him, I stopped, though I was still angry. I pitifully said sorry to God, in my anger. I prayed in my head, asking him for help. Actually I can't remember anymore of what I prayed for.

Then suddenly, my brother went behind me and said, "Ako na niyan, punasan mo na lang yung table." (Leave the dishes to me, just go wipe the table.) I kept washing (feeling guilty? hehehe) until he said it again. So I moved away, suddenly realizing that the Lord heard me, and checked the dirty kitchen... I was ecstatic right after. My brother and I were talking while he washed. No longer complete strangers. No longer sworn enemies. No more target shooting for me. No more painful words for him.

It's just amazing, isn't it? I've been praying for my brother for the longest time. When I see these changes, I just marvel at God. I feel one whole set of different emotions. I am moved and I can't hold in either the smiles, the tears, sometimes both. God's just so amazing. And I know that if I had remained self-centered, or preoccupied with so many things, I wouldn't have been able to see these changes. Thank you for the new eyes, Lord. You are good. So, so, immeasurably, undeniably, ineffably, GOOD!

Lalala love love loooooove.... :)

Migs hasn't talked to me all day, but guess what! I'M NOT MAD YEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYY!!!!!!!! Just wondering, you know. Just missing him. But may God's grace be upon me, to accept, to love, to let others be themselves, and to help them grow, and to wait on God, as it can be so testing and a struggle... in Jesus' name. Amen. :)

PS: My friend and I are okay. :)

5/27/09 02:07 pm - Just an update...

I'm happy with my life right now. Well, I'm not saying that everything I want is happening, but i Like what's happening. Not with what's all around me, but inside of me and in a few people I know. I am glad to finally get the point. To accept the reasons why he wouldn't call or come to my house. I don't fully understand him, but at least now I've been enabled by God's grace to not complain or demand anything from him or from those around. Although there are times when we feeling beings initially get pissed off when we don't get what we want, or when we get something we don't want at times, at least now I am, little by little, learning how to deal with it.

I'm realizing the wonders of praying to God without ceasing. I just breathe out prayers wherever I am, when I'm moved to pray. Well, I haven't perfected this. I'm a person who finds it hard to be consistent, but yeah this Monday he pulled me through. I mean, I didn't set it up as a goal, but I just did it. I spoke, I thought, I whispered, while walking around the mall. I cringed in agony inside my uncle's house that day and just started to pray. I prayed for the house, for my family there. I thanked. I wondered. I was overjoyed.

I've learned over the years that prayer is not simply getting God to do what I want. It's not simply telling him how you feel just to let him know. It's not simply an output; you gain something back as well. He leads me, even though at first I struggle for words. You may not hear a voice, but you know he's speaking to you. I want to know him more. How he speaks to people. Some people get visions, dreams. Some see angels, even demons. Some people prophecy and speak in tongues. But I have yet to discover more about His ways of speaking to me.

I'm thankful also for my new accountability partner without the name, Maika! We've been praying for each other, and even for our SO's (significant orcs, hahaha). She's one of those people I can define as a sister I never had, or a sister from another mother, haha. It's just really fun to be in God's hands. You know that even though you don't have control over everything, your life depends on a merciful, gracious, forgiving and loving God. He's there always to guide me, accept me, grow me, fill me, love me. Many times he allowed me to break, and I know I've yet to break, so His light can be seen. I've had few really really dark times, but they're enough for me to be able to say that He is everything I need. My Strength. My Shield. My Song. That's three S's. :P

Everything's just great.

Did you know that before, everytime I thought about my next birthday, I thought I'd die? I do have a dark mind, don't I? A dark past too, in it's own way. I'm not saying I'm proud of that. But I AM PROUD to have such an awesome God in my life. The One who never gives up. The one who's always, ALWAYS, full of love. He's just great.

So what's up? How and where have you been finding love? :)

3/23/09 11:56 am - Love Language

my primary love language is Quality Time. Find out yours!

Test Results:

Percent Language Score
Words of Affirmation    3 
Quality Time  
Receiving Gifts   3
Acts of Service   5
Physical Touch   7

3/23/09 11:35 am - hmm...

so yes, my phone has not yet been found.

2/23/09 01:24 am - Perseverance


February 22, 2009
The Discipline of Spiritual Perseverance
ODB RADIO:  |  Download
Be still, and know that I am God . . . —Psalm 46:10

Perseverance is more than endurance. It is endurance combined with absolute assurance and certainty that what we are looking for is going to happen. Perseverance means more than just hanging on, which may be only exposing our fear of letting go and falling. Perseverance is our supreme effort of refusing to believe that our hero is going to be conquered. Our greatest fear is not that we will be damned, but that somehow Jesus Christ will be defeated. Also, our fear is that the very things our Lord stood for— love, justice, forgiveness, and kindness among men— will not win out in the end and will represent an unattainable goal for us. Then there is the call to spiritual perseverance. A call not to hang on and do nothing, but to work deliberately, knowing with certainty that God will never be defeated.

If our hopes seem to be experiencing disappointment right now, it simply means that they are being purified. Every hope or dream of the human mind will be fulfilled if it is noble and of God. But one of the greatest stresses in life is the stress of waiting for God. He brings fulfillment, "because you have kept My command to persevere . . ." ( Revelation 3:10 ).

Continue to persevere spiritually.

Lord, thank You for taking time to give me trials in order for me to know how i am spiritually. You have revealed to me not only how weak i am now, but also how much You care that You are making me stronger throughout my life. Lord, help me be still and know that You are God. Help me and remind my heart about Your words for me tonight. I don't know what Your exact will is for me, especially in relation to me and Migs. I feel that things are everywhere. I'm a mess. I don't know anymore. I just don't, Father. When I am near him, I am confused. When I am near him, i fear that I might just bear him down with my immaturities. I don't know if this is how i struggle to hold on to something i should let go of, or it's just a trial in our relationship. Maybe You're just teaching me how to listen. Or maybe You're telling me that You miss me and i haven't even realized that I've been gone. And Lord, i just... don't know... will You help me be wise? Will You pull me aside and kiss me like Valek? Meaning, You'll be that close to me? I know You will and are already, or even closer... Lord, no one else will do. There is nothing too precious to lose if it's for You. But please help me and continue to purify my hopes and desires, and Lord help me organize my thoughts, and present a clear and loving decision to You, and then Migs. I give to You this wretch of myself, all my wretchedness, asking that if You want to fix me again, You may, and please go ahead. Thank You for loving me in spite of who i am. I am Yours, and forever will be. In Jesus' name, Amen.

1/17/09 03:03 pm

 Genesis 19

v.16: When he [Lot] hesitated, the men grasped his hand and the hands of his wife and of his two daughters and led them safely out of the city, for the LORD was merciful to them.

just reminds me of God's protective love. many times we get ourselves into situations where he's going to have to save us. sometimes we get to the point that we've gotten too comfortable to want things to change. we cling to those things we seem so sure about, when God, who is all-knowing and all-loving and never changing, says "let go." and when he forcefully takes it from us, whatever it is that kept us from having life to the full, we should consider it as his mercy, not the other way around. being finite beings with finite minds, it could sometimes be hard to let go of our "bottle expensive perfume," but thanks to God that he doesn't leave us alone to the point of completely being destroyed. and in the long run, if we're meant to see and we'd pause to see, we'd see why God took away. he still did it out of his love and mercy.

1/5/09 07:49 pm

i wake up, lighthearted
the heaviest baggages incinerated
there's a faint smell of the smoke in the furnace
what a thing to revel in the thing i hate most.
i smile for the vines and branches burned.
the triumph of grace and.. i guess, the departure of...
more than half of what gripped me
thrown out into the light that saves me.

my dad and i had a real talk last night. oh rather, that was early this morning, 12 until 4am. reason why i was absent today, first school day of the year... hmm, my mom's turbo-ed chicken(whatever) is really good. you must understand, i'll have to do this next time. have you eaten already?

1/3/09 12:49 am - hello.

i drank wine tonight, it's 20% i think. i just thought it would help me sleep earlier. it's working actually. i'm slightly discombobulated and cloudy eyed... or maybe it's my mind playing tricks on me. for me. heehee. something i can blame if this turns out to be a disorganized entry...

anyway, i need to see the sun. i want to see the sun... with a warm walking human by my side, someone i miss. someone i love. someone i've been waiting to take me out for a walk and a talk. i've been wondering what it would be like to watch the sun rise with you on a cold morning. let our hearts thaw for a while, before vacation ends. i've been looking forward to something i won't see after all... school's coming soon. i guess i still have to wait and hold still...

i've been learning about grace and forgiveness. What's So Amazing About Grace by Philip Yancey is a book that is by all means God-breathed. it's been teaching and helping me cope with life.

it feels like i'm just searching for something very good, probably missing it. i may be finding it in the wrong places, or maybe those places i'm searching in are all meant to be wrong... sorry for speaking in riddles, i just can't get to the bottom of it. I miss Migs. I miss the gestures, the all-for-love calls. that meant all for the sake of getting through, getting close, not necessarily talking. I miss and want some things i just can't voice out at home. i wish he'd jump across for me again. I really do.

sometimes, it feels so hard to be different.

1/1/09 05:26 pm - sigh...

Answer by Sarah McLachan

I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
'Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind

Though sorrow may last for the night, His joy comes with the morning...

12/14/08 10:18 pm - all i need

this is the "draft" for the song i was supposed to write and sing in Songwriting class during the Rhythm of Your Heart Worship Conference:

Jesus, you are all I need,
My hands are weak and my heart frail,
but you lift me high above my fears,
All I need is You.
All I need is You.
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